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[23 Oct 2006|02:13am] |
its been a while.
so lets jump on it.
my thoughts of the hour oh so late. while the stars. oh how they shine. all two of them in this smoggy los angeles night. breezy and tepid. like tea that sat out too long. yes these thoughts. they are cramped and stiff. accustomed to being ignored and not quite sure what to do with themselves. my words are honest. so however handicapped they may be. try and give them a chance. a little space to breathe. and a smile. encouragement is the key to success.
soulmates. plural? or soulmate. singular. a best friend? a lover. a buddy. an aquiantance. everything? nothing. thats the thought of the early morning. the thought evolving from only the remains of my empty coffee cup as it sits patiently beside the keyboard. the circular corner where the sides meet the bottom is darkened by the brown caffene ridden residue.
soulmate. the word echoes cautiously. how do you define a soulmate. husband. wife? i'm not sure. i think a soulmate might be someone else. A person with character perhaps. Not necessarily someone who you relate to, more someone you connect strongly with. A relationship with a soulmate is a relationship on air. One where everything seems to fall in place. You never had to try. You never have to try. You can always pick thing up where they left off. rebuilding is never necessary. It is a buoyant feeling. A soulmate is kind of a personal flotation device. but you would never thank them for their ability to keep you above water. You probably don't even know they are doing you the favor. And they probably dont either. It's the person. the people. who don't have to ask. They know when they look at you and feel what you feel. A soulmate is an emotional hand holder. Where saying I love you doesn't have nearly as much impact as sitting there with them. Soulmates are beautiful regardless of physical attraction. They are beautiful in every way. Soulmates don't know everything about you. They don't finish your sentences or know your family and your gpa and eat out of your refrigerator while wearing your clothes. They are there to see you. and you are there to see them. to really see them. the inside. and you just know. regardless of everything material and regardless of words and society. A soulmate can see you without that. A soulmate knows how you are everywhere, and really pays attention. They understand when its time to be serious and when it is okay to laugh. A soulmate is home. A soulmate is home when you want to be home. Your soulmate is the friend that you are safe with. Where you can sit to sit. and be with each other to be with each other. Where you can stare at the wall and love the wall because you know that your soulmate loves the wall too. But you don't have to say it. It's a deep kind of understanding. It's unbreakable.
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[28 Jan 2006|01:26am] |
i am a coaster
i am an arm chair cushion
i am a cell phone and a home phone
i am a dinosaur
i am an air conditioner
i am a balloon
i am alcohol
i am a hamburger and fries
i am a basketball
i am styrofoam
i am the welcome mat
i am halloween
i am you
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[01 Oct 2005|11:37pm] |
When you try to write something important, much of the time the words in your head become soft and prone to melting into one another. Clarity is a difficult factor to portray when your brain doesn't know where to put everything that hurts so much. You can try to separate each sentence from one another but everything is much too sticky. Much too messy. The way that kit kat bar melted in your pocket in third grade. You turned around and tryed to hide it. You tryed to go to the bathroom and clean it up but the water and paper towels just made it worse. You dont want the teacher to see. You dont want anyone to see because you don't want anyone to help you. Help means that you're weak. You dont want to be weak. You dont want anyone to know that you're weak. That just provokes the angry side of you. The cover up that rears its ugly head when you accidentally let your guard down. It builts a cement wall around you that prevents any kind of compassion from entering. From interfering with what you are trying to understand. Because you know that right now that this moment you cannot allow emotion to become mixed with the feelings you already have. Its too dangerous. You might actually let something slip. Somebody might know. They might know the only thing that you can't let anybody know. And if they know. Then you are over and all thats left is a skeleton of a silouette. The bones of a two dimensional person that never showed anyone more than the color black. No one can see through solid black. And if no one can see through it then you are safe. You are safe from cowardice and safe from fear and safe from pain. You are numb and incredibly cold and finally you understand what it means to be lonely. To be surrounded by color and only be able to comprehend black and white.
They keep yelling and talking and it echoes against the window panes to places that only live in deep sleep dreams where the horizon is purple and green. And you want to drift away and make it all stop spinning like the ceiling fan that you stare at until you fall asleep. It goes around and around and refuses to stop until someone pulls the string. But i can't reach it.
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[29 May 2005|08:57am] |
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Every man has to learn the points of compass again as often as he awakes, whether from sleep or any abstraction. Not till we are lost, in other words not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations. -Henry David Thoreau
It seems hard to imagine a time when we are not looking to find ourselves. A time where perception is not a dead end and when mirrors tell the truth. A time when we are standing still and satisfied. Perhaps this is because a time like this does not exist. As human beings our nature is to be competetive. We long to better our worst and correct our flaws. We cannot stop because by catching our breath we only allow the rest to surpass us. We run blindly toward a goal that many of us have never seen or experienced. A haven of the unknown waiting patiently to be conquered by greed. We don't know why we are running; only that we have to get there first. We don't know what where is, or what to assume. We are chased by expectations, and the pressure becomes so great that idea of looking back is too distant to acknowledge. Too overwhelming to comprehend. And then we strike a point in our journey when we see that nothing around us is familiar, and realize that none of it will make any sense unless we discover why it should. And when we find that we have been lost all along, we begin to search for what makes us found. We find that the boundries are limitless, and that running in one direction won't accomplish anything other than conformity. So we widen our view and allow ourselves the freedom of choice. We look for reality and for truth, and the simple act of looking is what separates us from those who are still running.
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[16 May 2005|08:37pm] |
whenever i stare a word too long it starts to look like its wrong. At first i think that i have spelled it wrong... but then i begin to wonder if the dictionary was right. i start to question the order of letters in the word. I wonder if maybe the council of word creators made a mistake. switched a B with a D on accident. misplaced a vowel. And as i continue to stare, the mess i have created in my mind only grows and the gaps between the letters get further apart. Letters are stretched and twisted and the O's and D's are too similar to differentiate. The consinent clusters are unrecognizable and i try to rearrange them to make sense. I put the last letter infront and slur the middle together. The word becomes too dirty and broken too look at. I can't make myself read it without destroying it further. And because i have narrowed my view and concentrated only on this one word. i have lost its meaning. I have given my sole attention to this one thing...and i have not only ruined it, but i have ignored its value as a word in a sentence. I have singled it out. Without a comparison it means nothing because there is nothing to weigh it against.
open your eyes.
widen your perception.
know what you don't know.
look behind you.
...there might be something worth while
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[12 May 2005|09:45pm] |
people are like squirmy, ignorant, crustaceans
they think all the water is for them
and that they are the only fish in the sea
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[11 May 2005|09:14pm] |
The guy who walked down the street that day wasn't real. He seemed real stern looking. One might call him cross. Not angry i don't think. More of a silent cautious dissent. He was wearing a stiff gray suit and walked as if he'd been dipped in starch. A business type. Lonely perhaps, maybe wealthy. Too two dimensional. Like a cut-out cardboard figure. Tight and strained. Dry. Something that might dissolve or fall apart if gotten wet. a window display.
I wasn't sure how i knew he was fake. He wasn't a ghost. He wasn't see through. But he didnt smile..
and then i realized that i dont either.
and i wasn't sure if i was fake too
or if he was real.
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[07 May 2005|11:52am] |
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trapped
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[01 May 2005|04:35pm] |
Responsibility. It means the act of being liable for someone or something else's actions. Some say it is a burden that makes us more vulnerable to defeat. I've always wondered why failure is such a big deal. Living in the capitalistic America that we were raised in, i guess it has been instilled in our minds. We are pushed to be the best. We are told that only the best can win. We are not allowed to lose. We can not accept loss. Losing is for weak people. Its not okay to be weak. But even if you learn? Can't losing have a lesson? Can't the realization of a heartbreaking setback drive you more strongly toward success and strength? Today I experienced a loss. But my loss was more than the game that I played. My loss came in the form faith. And more importantly it came in the form of responsibility. I gave up today. We were dying. We were drowning. Hope was a foreign word and blame was used as an escape for embarrassment. I heard shame and exhaustion, desperate attempts to gain control and angry calls meant to hurt. And all i wanted to do was walk off. I wanted to leave my disappointment in myself on that field and bury it in the past. Someone told me that they didn't come out here to lose. It wasn't the loss that upset me. It was the giving up. I kept telling myself in my head to not let down. I plead with my conscience to keep me focused. And the only thing i knew i wanted was to get out. That was not responsible and i am sorry.
Someone once told me told me that once every person in a group learns listen to every other person there, that's when that group of people become a team. Without respect a team cannot amount to much of anything. He told me that i have to try to understand other people's situations and put myself in their shoes constantly. He told me to be honest and to acknowledge my mistakes as well as others. Only then can a team be one. And one is what a team strives to be. Each person be a leader. Love who is around you and encourage someone's confidence. Blaming and reprimanding won't get you farther than where you started. Build each other's self worth. Know that you can fail and still be respected. Don't be the person that can only think of how hard they tryed. Dont be the one complaining about someone else's mistake. Know that you are the person that can be relyed on. If anything play for the team. Put that before how much you hurt and how much you think you deserve. Because truly...selflessness is what makes a true leader. Usually people who want control should not be allowed to have it. As Mark Twain said, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
So i guess what im trying to say is... Allow yourself to lose. Learn from your mistakes. Don't give up. Want to do better. Don't be selfish. Play as a team. Love each other. Cause I love you ladies more than the world. Im so proud of you. And i'm sorry. I promise to try harder. I won't give up. Not anymore.
-anz
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[25 Apr 2005|08:43pm] |
do you remember when the seaweed skies were clear in the night
and your radio transmissions reached the shore of my mind
when the strawberry waves brushed against the morning light
and the smiles only counted if all the words rhymed
do you remember when i stood on a broken balance
swaying like the hopes of all the gasping lovers
when i watched you notice my presence
and you didnt care about the significant others
do you remember?
no you dont
cause its forever
and you wont
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[22 Apr 2005|12:00am] |
when little billy asked his mother where she kept the saltine crackers , his mother told him that they didnt exist
when little billy asked his mother what she meant, his mother simply gave him a box of whole grain seasoned snack squares
and little billy wondered without using his words, if these new munchable treats were any good
being a cautious boy, little billy decided to give a cracker corner to his dog adolphus
after this act of generousity, little billy realized that by giving his dog the cracker, he could not know how good the cracker really was
but little billy, the observant boy that he was, noticed that his dog did not fall dead to the ground
because of his dogs failure to die, little billy decided the crackers were worth a try
to be extra careful, little billy wanted to sing a good luck song
little billy took a deep breath but just as he was ready to let out a long opening note
a car came rushing into little billy's house knocking little billy onto the floor, dead as a doornail
the way he pictured the new crackers might have killed his dog.
very very dead.
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[12 Apr 2005|10:14pm] |
do you remember that lonely time
when the smiling circle of endless rhymes
was spinning all to fast to hear
and the tired star that came too near
was cut in two and bleeding light
the radiance was all too bright
and the distance from me to there
was killing all who tryed to stare
and when the beauty took a stand
the jealousy that grabbed its hand
was hoping for a over dose
because a friend cant be too close
and flaws that everyone should see
are kept nearer than an enemy
that knows the ugliness is true
a silent man could see right through
the patience that is not dead yet
the sleeping of my silouette
is all a part of bitter war
the bloodshed of the tears they wore
but an army of a single man
has only weapons and no plan
and no one belives they can.
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[15 Mar 2005|10:08pm] |
i wonder where they keep the stuff that makes balloons rise into the sky
i like the burning in my lungs as i run for days at a time
running like a wild thing on a summer day in spring
running and i never stop because the sugar is shining
like the styrofoam covered in tin foil as it hides my turmoil
my over flowing cauldron of bubbles and bruises that sit to discuss all the excuses
that my pet leprachan chooses
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[16 Feb 2005|10:54pm] |
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music |
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the format...on your porch |
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yesterday was ugly
today is a moron
tomorrow will be defiant
have a different day every day
i need a cig
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[13 Feb 2005|12:22am] |
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music |
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saves the day - at your funeral |
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what is today. im thinking maybe a continuation of yesterday, thats not very original of it.
i dont think. i mean come on if you wanted to make a statement the last thing you would do it finish the conversation. you would start something new. be the first one to do something completely different. i guess fate doesn't try very hard to make things interesting cause ive never woken up in a day where things are new. there is always a remnicence of yesterday, and a sense of forsight for tomorrow. theres never been a time where the past and the future havent created my present. and i need the detachment. i want it. to forget what was then and concentrate on what is now. to not have to worry about later and the enjoy what is in front of your face. and at the same time...im so unbelievably scared. im scared to forget. i feel like it giving up. i dont want to give up. He wouldnt want me to give up. i know he wouldnt. but there are times when i wonder if he ever did.
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[24 Jan 2005|10:30pm] |
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music |
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absolutely nothing |
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the end of the edge
starts with the beginning of a time and place
i saw the bones of a cigarette in the corner
and it reminded me of you
and plaid pillow cases in the morning sun
smells like stale afternoon
and the sound hurts my teeth
forever we continue
finishing this round of nothing
where caution tape is the finish line
and we end up in a ditch
as i rise the water logged memories
you smile high at night
and the moonlight walk hurts my feet
missing your presence more than day in and day out
pain is a crime i pay for
in shillings like you said
you will never be there to critisize my innertube dream days
and i hope you wont forget tree climbing
for i know it was a passion of yours
ill miss your rape sessions
and misunderstood consent
and everything that showed your eyes to be a smile
for you were truly my best friend
and that darling
is the end
denny jacob shawdry..."no regrets. this is for real. and you never know when the end will come."
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[01 Jan 2005|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
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music |
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taking back sunday |
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well i hate school. but i hate home even more so i guess going BACK to school is better than the five minutes of peace i can get in front of the computer without my parents asking who im talking to online and trying (but failing miserably) to read the "uncomprehendable" abbreviations that "us teens" use online "nowadays". ug. at least at school i have the 7 minute passing periods plus break and lunch to discuss the intricate details of each others complicated and devastating lives without mommy and pops discoving a carelessly open IM window containing the contents of "drunk" or "stoned" and then calling the cigarette addicted pshyciatrist to analyze my unusaul behavior.
um ONE...not unusual
TWO...ever wonder WHO drives me to that point!?
THREE...maybe a different guidance facilitator would be helpful to the success of
my future
SO basically my winter break sucked. i got caught drinking. lovely. great way to start things off. oh and then i got blamed for almost everything...by the person who gave it all away. double lovely. and i denied it. goooood job anz way to be slick. THEN as punishment i was grounded. ok not a big deal...that was kind of excepted. Christmas was okay i guess. i got my parents a good gift. they are still being all lovey dovey i care about you i love you baby girl so sweet blah blah. i think this is their way of preventing another one of my substance abuses. they resort to the anti-violence liberal approach. being the democrats that they are. page 171 of the parenting handbook you know.
oh.
and then we went to the snow. not the snowboarding kind of snow. OH NO. the sequoia natioal forest kind of snow. this my friends is where i learned that hell is frozen over and 600 degrees colder than i thought it could ever be. by the way. i hate snow. well at the lodge where my family and myself occupied a room with absurdly small floor space...a storm did occur. WELL it was good that we were prepared with the goods and supplies of the occasion that there be a rare snow in. A K A cold turkey, cheese, a pocket knife, a tinker tot shovel, a four dollar sled and water. cold water. OH BOY. i knew at that moment this was going to be a fun ride. did i mention i hate snow?
So the days passed and the snow fell and when new years eve arrived i was worn out. my cd player had gone thru four sets of batteries and all of my socks were on my feet to prevent the bitter cold from reaching my toes. my one pair of jeans was so soft from use that i swear they streched a size. i was so ready to go home. like even more than i was when we arrived. but my parents had other plans. oh yes. my final punishment for my alcohol incident was about to take place. i of course oblivously followed them down to the diner hall where the regular dinner would be served. as i walked into the room i knew something was different. i looked around. i could have sworn those big speakers and strage looking computer/tv set with customary microphone holders n the side wasnt there before. i didnt take heed to this and ran across the room where i found shirely temples waiting for me in a perfect dixie cup line. the marachino cherry juice practically called out at me to DRINK. which i did. and as i turned from my fourth drink i realized that the strange electrical contraption i had noticed previously was none other than the devil himself. the icing on this shit cake of vaction. the cherry on top of my death. need i spell it out for you? k a r a o k e
O M LOOORRRRD. it was a trap. i knew it the minute i saw those gleeful smiles of my parents across the room. NOOOOOOO. shit. shit shit SHIT. i refused. of course, the same that any rational person put in the situation would do. but i was surcombed to the evil power of the room. the overweight drunk lezbian forest ranger was sqalling a bonnie raite number in such a over dramatized vibrato that the entire room was shaking. her daughter who followed did an agonizingly terrible and off pitch verion of rosemary's grandaughter by jessica andrews. my PARENTS attempted to sing weird al yankovich with my BROTHER. the omish paradise song mind you. and I. yes me. I had to sing drive my car with my little sister after a lumberjack looking fellow who sang happy birthday to the tune of jingle bell rock. and i had to pee. badly. and i was cold. and i DONT SING. and my parents who told me that this was my final punishment. spent the entire song laughing so hard they literally fell off their chairs. and i pathetically nutured my bruised ego all the way home the 5 hr car ride while my brother kept making cracks..."anya DO YOU WANT TO DRIVE THE CAR? oh wait u did already LAST NIGHT!!" ha ha ha. my life sucks. anyway. i hope u get a laugh out of this. every one tells me i will in a couple years. but now all i think this is...or was...was a HORRIBLE disgusting vacation from hell that if EVER repeated i will most likely commit suicide.
i hope the rest of you had a LOVELY new year. happy 2005...by the looks of it its gunna be a great year...
very sarcastically yours,
anya is a complete loser rosen
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[27 Nov 2004|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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music |
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norweigen wood...the beatles |
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i haven't written anything in here in a while...i've kind of taken to doing the journal thing old school. in like a notebook. i guess im back here because i want people to read what i write. i like to have people know what im feeling. that way i can selfishly obtain all the unnecessary sympathy from sweet lil kiddos who actually take time out of their busy schedules to ask a simple "are u ok?". its amazing what those words can mean. knowing that one person in those bizillion out there wants to know if you are ok can make me feel in control again. because most of the time im out of contol. way out of control...as in drunker driver going up iced over cliffside road. i never know what im going to feel or how im going to react. it scares me that i cant even make a desicion. something that i used to be good at. people expect that we can become leaders. yea right. how can i lead other people if i cant even lead my own fucking self. i feel like if u gave me any authority at all i would throw it all away like a little kid who just learned how to play 52 card pick up. i have no respect for myself let alone anyone around me and i treat life like a hummer treats gas. i guzzle. i drink it all up too fast without eating anything first and i become intoxicated and overwhelmed by its power. and that when i make mistakes. when im going too fast. i slip and fall and hurt myself and i try to cover it up so that nobody can see me when im weak. i wear long sleeves so no one can see the blood and i wait impatiently for it to heal and be gone...but the thing is...it will never be gone. there will always be a scar to remind me that im a screw up. and as hard as i try...i cant erase a scar.
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[27 Oct 2004|06:26pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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eve 6 - inside out |
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You know
how
sometimes
nothing
can
seem to fill that
emptiness
that
is the
hollow interior of
a
sad and
desperate
wish?
its only
one pitiful
w i s h
yet....
no
one
listens
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| DO IT BITCHES |
[24 Oct 2004|01:38pm] |
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mood |
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needy |
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music |
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COLLIDE - howoe day |
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1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?
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